I completely agree, societies (at least some of them) are changing for the better, and we have more room to consider and form healthy partnerships rather than following our parents' or grandparents' social norms. Thanks for reading my piece, Hereward!
Heartful story, many of us have this fear and same applies to having children. Love your writing. While reading I was imagining how you tell me the story over a coffee :)
I’m always surprised when I hear someone around my age who was married and already divorced for some years, but that just goes to show it’s a relatively common story. A friend and previous GF was in a nearly 20 year relationship by the time I met and connected with her—her marriage was already on its way out, but she was afraid to leave it because of so many of the things you describe and pressures women get—she later told me that by meeting me, it gave her courage and hope to leave it, and that there were other possibilities and love still out there, which is probably one of the best compliments I’ve ever received ;)
And strangely enough, after all that time with her previous husband and going through part of young adulthood and beyond together, she said she now has no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I think it just proves that we humans often get attached to labels and societal conventions that may have served a purpose, but can thwart us when reality triumphs over symbolism, not in our favour. I’ve been with my current partner nearly 10 years, and she and we were in bed from COVID not for a few weeks, but rather, with multiplying health conditions that left her on a couch for much of 6 months, and had lingering psychological effects for several years that she’s still working through. The stress and pressures of that, and for me being a caretaker through all that, nearly split us apart on multiple occasions, but after a lot of work and ups and downs, we were able to finally get to a better and stronger place, made more resilient by all that madness.
Thanks for sharing your story, Nick, I appreciate it. It's definitely easier to leave a bad partnership after meeting someone else who can give you hope. I understand her.
"we humans often get attached to labels and societal conventions that may have served a purpose, but can thwart us when reality triumphs over symbolism, not in our favour." -- this is exactly the essence of what I wanted to express too, so well stated! Reality triumphs over symbolism 😱 Brilliant!
I didn't get married very young, at 31, but I also didn't stay married for long. The symbolism was so powerful that it weighted even on how old I perceived myself to be.
I'm glad to hear you got to a strong place with your current partner; covid was a challenge in more ways than one for most people.
Thank you, these are things I’ve been thinking about for many years, so I’m glad it resonated with you. Essentially, seeing reality as it is, free of attachments and imaginary ideas we have built up about things and the nature of all relationships, is the essence of Zen, of which I would call myself an adherent. Philosophy in action!
I’m almost finished with my latest post, about Mexico City. Do check back in a couple days once it’s up, I’ll be curious about your thoughts.
Yep, the hard part is to get out of the matrix and see the imaginary ideas and symbols for what they are. Practice and conversations with wise people helps!
Sure, will check it out when you have it ready. ;)
The institution of marriage — and even more so divorce stigma — is almost like a cancer in our global society. We’ve taken the beautiful, natural attraction between the sexes and completely perverted it.
No doubt our world would be a much freer and happier place if women were free to choose their partner and only stay with them for as long as they desired.
And I can assure you that the expectational pressure you describe also exists for us men. Which I mention only to illustrate that nobody wins in an unfree society.
Why have we built — and why do we continue to accept living in — an unfree society that clearly makes so many of us rather miserable?
One answer I would give to your question at the end is that *we* (you and I) haven't built this society, but the Catholic Church and similar religious regimes did, in order to control us.
Yes, both men and women suffer from the current "cancer" as you very well put it! It takes a lot of self-reflection and willingness to go deep in the painful parts of ourselves to get out of the institution, and not everyone has the courage to do it...
I agree with you, and I think ‘control’ and ‘courage’ are key words here.
If we want to change this, we need the courage to admit that the urge to control things is deeply embedded in all of us (for what is marriage about if not control?). But we also need to realize that the desire to control things seems to spring from a need to feel secure and perhaps needed — or even loved. In other words, lasting change is dependent upon us replacing the marriage narrative — and countless other ones — with new and less restrictive narratives that still make us feel safe and loved.
Sure, lots of things in our lives are about control because ultimately, like you say, we just want to be loved, seen and accepted. The frameworks in which we operate might be less than ideal sometimes. ;)
I also suffered from my mothers toxic shame following divorce (after two bereavements that pressured our relationship). It took me much longer to get past it than you! I see her less than before. Me being a woman on her own is so shameful to her which seems so strange to me now. I’ve achieved so much since then which seems more valuable to me and the world! Thanks for sharing your moving story.
Thank you for your kind words and for reading my story, Kate! I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult time with the same stigma, and I agree that one solution is to limit the relationship with the mother. It's something I have done as well for the past 2 years and it has helped tremendously my mental health and building my current life.
Monica, I love the way you told this story, and I resonated with so, SO much of it. Though I haven't been married, I'm about to turn 30, and coming from an Indian family (where people you haven't even met before are trying to arrange your marriage), I related a lot to the pressures you described. Thankfully, my parents have been chill about my singleness but my elder relatives bring it up a lot and always direct the conversations to "Give us the good news [about finding a husband] soon" and stuff like that.
It is really sad how societal and cultural conditioning urges us to feel ashamed if we haven't been married by a certain age, and also the weight it places on marriage as a whole. (And, as you described, the pressure to keep the marriage going once you're in it.)
I appreciate you getting vulnerable and sharing this story with us. And I'm glad that you've redefined marriage, and what brings you fulfillment, on your own terms :)
Thanks for your words, Brina! I'm sure you've had to put up with such questions, especially coming from an Indian family. But so many other cultures put this pressure on women.
I have an Indian colleague at work who's a bit *depressed* because at 24 (!) he considers himself old and already thinks it's too late to find someone to marry... It was shocking for me to hear that, but it was a glimpse into his family's culture.
Oh my! That is so sad... very disheartening to see how deeply this conditioning affects people's sense of self and identity in the world. Hope that more conversations like this will help people break free from these limiting mentalities.
I have so many thoughts and not the words to articulate them! I’m absolutely sure many many women relate to this.
My mum is twice divorced and so I’d always had a scepticism toward marriage. I didn’t know if I wanted to marry for many years.
When my stepbrother got engaged I remember the disgust at the idea of an engagement ring 💍 a message to all other men (and women) you’re taken. But where’s the man’s? Oh what, men aren’t property?
I’d always thought of wanting a party or celebration but not even sure if I’d do the paperwork.... Until I moved here and had to have surgery, alone in this country my partner was the only person around for me and he wasn’t allowed the time off work to be with me! In the end he had a nice boss who did it on the side but there were times when I was in a&e alone as he had to work.
So I’m married... With no engagement ring... And of course I asked him!
I also have so many thoughts about what you wrote here... :) So interesting that you had an experience and model pretty much opposite as mine, and yet you got married too. I assume for better reasons and with a mature approach towards your partnership.
Isn't it! I can't believe I'm married haha. But I try and not put too much meaning onto it. If it doesn't last, I'll enjoy the years I have. I also try not to hold my husband responsible for all my needs, not what I think marriages have traditionally been.
Marriage is built on a very dark idea of women being property and then has evolved into this weird social status.
I try to look back on past relationships not as failures but as learning curves, experiences or what took me to where I am today. But I think my family not having so much pressure on me allow me to feel that way. xx
I am 35 - unmarried with no kids. In a relationship with my significant other for 10 years. Funny how that amount of time bears no significance in comparison to a wedding or pregnancy. I had no idea when I turned 30 that this would be the crux of this decade as a woman. Everyone around me married with children.
I hear the questions often from family and people in the outside world, I’m used to it now. I’ve made it clear that I am choosing my own path in a world that sees that differently. Some days, I still question myself.
A lot of inner work has been done and still is to shift those beliefs of worthiness equated to decisions I make in my life. It’s incredible how drilled in it is from our young age, evidence of how strongly that shame and those expectations run through previous generations.
I see through the illusions of it though, a lot of it is for show on the surface. I’ve seen and heard too many stories that it’s not what it appears to be. So many feel so much pressure, not only to get married but to STAY married. God forbid if you choose to be single again as a woman in your 30’s and beyond.
Hi Jen, thanks so much for reading and for sharing your own perspective on it too! Kudos to you for not giving in to society's pressure and for doing inner work to stay true to yourself. It's so important! I lost myself in a marriage that was not with the right person and also because I hadn't done any inner work - I had no idea who I was!
I got divorced at your age, 35, and I'm glad I didn't know how hard it would be to become single again in my mid 30s. I don't know if I'd taken the step to divorce had I known that. But beyond the hardships, I did inner work and learned about who I am and what truly makes me happy. It's so worth it! Enjoy walking on your (true) path! 💗
I completely agree, societies (at least some of them) are changing for the better, and we have more room to consider and form healthy partnerships rather than following our parents' or grandparents' social norms. Thanks for reading my piece, Hereward!
Heartful story, many of us have this fear and same applies to having children. Love your writing. While reading I was imagining how you tell me the story over a coffee :)
Thanks, Andrea! Is this an invitation for a coffee? :) Because I would take it.
Yes :) I message you :)
I’m always surprised when I hear someone around my age who was married and already divorced for some years, but that just goes to show it’s a relatively common story. A friend and previous GF was in a nearly 20 year relationship by the time I met and connected with her—her marriage was already on its way out, but she was afraid to leave it because of so many of the things you describe and pressures women get—she later told me that by meeting me, it gave her courage and hope to leave it, and that there were other possibilities and love still out there, which is probably one of the best compliments I’ve ever received ;)
And strangely enough, after all that time with her previous husband and going through part of young adulthood and beyond together, she said she now has no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I think it just proves that we humans often get attached to labels and societal conventions that may have served a purpose, but can thwart us when reality triumphs over symbolism, not in our favour. I’ve been with my current partner nearly 10 years, and she and we were in bed from COVID not for a few weeks, but rather, with multiplying health conditions that left her on a couch for much of 6 months, and had lingering psychological effects for several years that she’s still working through. The stress and pressures of that, and for me being a caretaker through all that, nearly split us apart on multiple occasions, but after a lot of work and ups and downs, we were able to finally get to a better and stronger place, made more resilient by all that madness.
Thanks for sharing your story, Nick, I appreciate it. It's definitely easier to leave a bad partnership after meeting someone else who can give you hope. I understand her.
"we humans often get attached to labels and societal conventions that may have served a purpose, but can thwart us when reality triumphs over symbolism, not in our favour." -- this is exactly the essence of what I wanted to express too, so well stated! Reality triumphs over symbolism 😱 Brilliant!
I didn't get married very young, at 31, but I also didn't stay married for long. The symbolism was so powerful that it weighted even on how old I perceived myself to be.
I'm glad to hear you got to a strong place with your current partner; covid was a challenge in more ways than one for most people.
Thank you, these are things I’ve been thinking about for many years, so I’m glad it resonated with you. Essentially, seeing reality as it is, free of attachments and imaginary ideas we have built up about things and the nature of all relationships, is the essence of Zen, of which I would call myself an adherent. Philosophy in action!
I’m almost finished with my latest post, about Mexico City. Do check back in a couple days once it’s up, I’ll be curious about your thoughts.
Yep, the hard part is to get out of the matrix and see the imaginary ideas and symbols for what they are. Practice and conversations with wise people helps!
Sure, will check it out when you have it ready. ;)
Finally up! That damn life and work getting in the way of my writing :)
Oh, I know what you mean! 🙄
The institution of marriage — and even more so divorce stigma — is almost like a cancer in our global society. We’ve taken the beautiful, natural attraction between the sexes and completely perverted it.
No doubt our world would be a much freer and happier place if women were free to choose their partner and only stay with them for as long as they desired.
And I can assure you that the expectational pressure you describe also exists for us men. Which I mention only to illustrate that nobody wins in an unfree society.
Why have we built — and why do we continue to accept living in — an unfree society that clearly makes so many of us rather miserable?
One answer I would give to your question at the end is that *we* (you and I) haven't built this society, but the Catholic Church and similar religious regimes did, in order to control us.
Yes, both men and women suffer from the current "cancer" as you very well put it! It takes a lot of self-reflection and willingness to go deep in the painful parts of ourselves to get out of the institution, and not everyone has the courage to do it...
I agree with you, and I think ‘control’ and ‘courage’ are key words here.
If we want to change this, we need the courage to admit that the urge to control things is deeply embedded in all of us (for what is marriage about if not control?). But we also need to realize that the desire to control things seems to spring from a need to feel secure and perhaps needed — or even loved. In other words, lasting change is dependent upon us replacing the marriage narrative — and countless other ones — with new and less restrictive narratives that still make us feel safe and loved.
Sure, lots of things in our lives are about control because ultimately, like you say, we just want to be loved, seen and accepted. The frameworks in which we operate might be less than ideal sometimes. ;)
I would argue that 'less than ideal' is a bit of an understatement. There's ample room for improvement
I also suffered from my mothers toxic shame following divorce (after two bereavements that pressured our relationship). It took me much longer to get past it than you! I see her less than before. Me being a woman on her own is so shameful to her which seems so strange to me now. I’ve achieved so much since then which seems more valuable to me and the world! Thanks for sharing your moving story.
Thank you for your kind words and for reading my story, Kate! I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult time with the same stigma, and I agree that one solution is to limit the relationship with the mother. It's something I have done as well for the past 2 years and it has helped tremendously my mental health and building my current life.
Monica, I love the way you told this story, and I resonated with so, SO much of it. Though I haven't been married, I'm about to turn 30, and coming from an Indian family (where people you haven't even met before are trying to arrange your marriage), I related a lot to the pressures you described. Thankfully, my parents have been chill about my singleness but my elder relatives bring it up a lot and always direct the conversations to "Give us the good news [about finding a husband] soon" and stuff like that.
It is really sad how societal and cultural conditioning urges us to feel ashamed if we haven't been married by a certain age, and also the weight it places on marriage as a whole. (And, as you described, the pressure to keep the marriage going once you're in it.)
I appreciate you getting vulnerable and sharing this story with us. And I'm glad that you've redefined marriage, and what brings you fulfillment, on your own terms :)
Thanks for your words, Brina! I'm sure you've had to put up with such questions, especially coming from an Indian family. But so many other cultures put this pressure on women.
I have an Indian colleague at work who's a bit *depressed* because at 24 (!) he considers himself old and already thinks it's too late to find someone to marry... It was shocking for me to hear that, but it was a glimpse into his family's culture.
Oh my! That is so sad... very disheartening to see how deeply this conditioning affects people's sense of self and identity in the world. Hope that more conversations like this will help people break free from these limiting mentalities.
Yes, hopefully! Men are just as affected as women are about these institutions and symbols.
I have so many thoughts and not the words to articulate them! I’m absolutely sure many many women relate to this.
My mum is twice divorced and so I’d always had a scepticism toward marriage. I didn’t know if I wanted to marry for many years.
When my stepbrother got engaged I remember the disgust at the idea of an engagement ring 💍 a message to all other men (and women) you’re taken. But where’s the man’s? Oh what, men aren’t property?
I’d always thought of wanting a party or celebration but not even sure if I’d do the paperwork.... Until I moved here and had to have surgery, alone in this country my partner was the only person around for me and he wasn’t allowed the time off work to be with me! In the end he had a nice boss who did it on the side but there were times when I was in a&e alone as he had to work.
So I’m married... With no engagement ring... And of course I asked him!
I also have so many thoughts about what you wrote here... :) So interesting that you had an experience and model pretty much opposite as mine, and yet you got married too. I assume for better reasons and with a mature approach towards your partnership.
Isn't it! I can't believe I'm married haha. But I try and not put too much meaning onto it. If it doesn't last, I'll enjoy the years I have. I also try not to hold my husband responsible for all my needs, not what I think marriages have traditionally been.
Marriage is built on a very dark idea of women being property and then has evolved into this weird social status.
I try to look back on past relationships not as failures but as learning curves, experiences or what took me to where I am today. But I think my family not having so much pressure on me allow me to feel that way. xx
Good points. Like someone else said in a comment here, we need to disentangle the symbolism from our reality. 🙏🏼xx
That’s very true! So much untangling to do. X
Bury that dead body & live in the moment.
Super relatable! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for reading, Jenni!
Monica, your words spoke to me in so many ways.
I am 35 - unmarried with no kids. In a relationship with my significant other for 10 years. Funny how that amount of time bears no significance in comparison to a wedding or pregnancy. I had no idea when I turned 30 that this would be the crux of this decade as a woman. Everyone around me married with children.
I hear the questions often from family and people in the outside world, I’m used to it now. I’ve made it clear that I am choosing my own path in a world that sees that differently. Some days, I still question myself.
A lot of inner work has been done and still is to shift those beliefs of worthiness equated to decisions I make in my life. It’s incredible how drilled in it is from our young age, evidence of how strongly that shame and those expectations run through previous generations.
I see through the illusions of it though, a lot of it is for show on the surface. I’ve seen and heard too many stories that it’s not what it appears to be. So many feel so much pressure, not only to get married but to STAY married. God forbid if you choose to be single again as a woman in your 30’s and beyond.
One day at a time I am following my own path.
Thanks for sharing!! 🙏💗
Hi Jen, thanks so much for reading and for sharing your own perspective on it too! Kudos to you for not giving in to society's pressure and for doing inner work to stay true to yourself. It's so important! I lost myself in a marriage that was not with the right person and also because I hadn't done any inner work - I had no idea who I was!
I got divorced at your age, 35, and I'm glad I didn't know how hard it would be to become single again in my mid 30s. I don't know if I'd taken the step to divorce had I known that. But beyond the hardships, I did inner work and learned about who I am and what truly makes me happy. It's so worth it! Enjoy walking on your (true) path! 💗