Heartful story, many of us have this fear and same applies to having children. Love your writing. While reading I was imagining how you tell me the story over a coffee :)
I’m always surprised when I hear someone around my age who was married and already divorced for some years, but that just goes to show it’s a relatively common story. A friend and previous GF was in a nearly 20 year relationship by the time I met and connected with her—her marriage was already on its way out, but she was afraid to leave it because of so many of the things you describe and pressures women get—she later told me that by meeting me, it gave her courage and hope to leave it, and that there were other possibilities and love still out there, which is probably one of the best compliments I’ve ever received ;)
And strangely enough, after all that time with her previous husband and going through part of young adulthood and beyond together, she said she now has no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I think it just proves that we humans often get attached to labels and societal conventions that may have served a purpose, but can thwart us when reality triumphs over symbolism, not in our favour. I’ve been with my current partner nearly 10 years, and she and we were in bed from COVID not for a few weeks, but rather, with multiplying health conditions that left her on a couch for much of 6 months, and had lingering psychological effects for several years that she’s still working through. The stress and pressures of that, and for me being a caretaker through all that, nearly split us apart on multiple occasions, but after a lot of work and ups and downs, we were able to finally get to a better and stronger place, made more resilient by all that madness.
The institution of marriage — and even more so divorce stigma — is almost like a cancer in our global society. We’ve taken the beautiful, natural attraction between the sexes and completely perverted it.
No doubt our world would be a much freer and happier place if women were free to choose their partner and only stay with them for as long as they desired.
And I can assure you that the expectational pressure you describe also exists for us men. Which I mention only to illustrate that nobody wins in an unfree society.
Why have we built — and why do we continue to accept living in — an unfree society that clearly makes so many of us rather miserable?
I also suffered from my mothers toxic shame following divorce (after two bereavements that pressured our relationship). It took me much longer to get past it than you! I see her less than before. Me being a woman on her own is so shameful to her which seems so strange to me now. I’ve achieved so much since then which seems more valuable to me and the world! Thanks for sharing your moving story.
Monica, I love the way you told this story, and I resonated with so, SO much of it. Though I haven't been married, I'm about to turn 30, and coming from an Indian family (where people you haven't even met before are trying to arrange your marriage), I related a lot to the pressures you described. Thankfully, my parents have been chill about my singleness but my elder relatives bring it up a lot and always direct the conversations to "Give us the good news [about finding a husband] soon" and stuff like that.
It is really sad how societal and cultural conditioning urges us to feel ashamed if we haven't been married by a certain age, and also the weight it places on marriage as a whole. (And, as you described, the pressure to keep the marriage going once you're in it.)
I appreciate you getting vulnerable and sharing this story with us. And I'm glad that you've redefined marriage, and what brings you fulfillment, on your own terms :)
I have so many thoughts and not the words to articulate them! I’m absolutely sure many many women relate to this.
My mum is twice divorced and so I’d always had a scepticism toward marriage. I didn’t know if I wanted to marry for many years.
When my stepbrother got engaged I remember the disgust at the idea of an engagement ring 💍 a message to all other men (and women) you’re taken. But where’s the man’s? Oh what, men aren’t property?
I’d always thought of wanting a party or celebration but not even sure if I’d do the paperwork.... Until I moved here and had to have surgery, alone in this country my partner was the only person around for me and he wasn’t allowed the time off work to be with me! In the end he had a nice boss who did it on the side but there were times when I was in a&e alone as he had to work.
So I’m married... With no engagement ring... And of course I asked him!
I am 35 - unmarried with no kids. In a relationship with my significant other for 10 years. Funny how that amount of time bears no significance in comparison to a wedding or pregnancy. I had no idea when I turned 30 that this would be the crux of this decade as a woman. Everyone around me married with children.
I hear the questions often from family and people in the outside world, I’m used to it now. I’ve made it clear that I am choosing my own path in a world that sees that differently. Some days, I still question myself.
A lot of inner work has been done and still is to shift those beliefs of worthiness equated to decisions I make in my life. It’s incredible how drilled in it is from our young age, evidence of how strongly that shame and those expectations run through previous generations.
I see through the illusions of it though, a lot of it is for show on the surface. I’ve seen and heard too many stories that it’s not what it appears to be. So many feel so much pressure, not only to get married but to STAY married. God forbid if you choose to be single again as a woman in your 30’s and beyond.
Heartful story, many of us have this fear and same applies to having children. Love your writing. While reading I was imagining how you tell me the story over a coffee :)
I’m always surprised when I hear someone around my age who was married and already divorced for some years, but that just goes to show it’s a relatively common story. A friend and previous GF was in a nearly 20 year relationship by the time I met and connected with her—her marriage was already on its way out, but she was afraid to leave it because of so many of the things you describe and pressures women get—she later told me that by meeting me, it gave her courage and hope to leave it, and that there were other possibilities and love still out there, which is probably one of the best compliments I’ve ever received ;)
And strangely enough, after all that time with her previous husband and going through part of young adulthood and beyond together, she said she now has no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I think it just proves that we humans often get attached to labels and societal conventions that may have served a purpose, but can thwart us when reality triumphs over symbolism, not in our favour. I’ve been with my current partner nearly 10 years, and she and we were in bed from COVID not for a few weeks, but rather, with multiplying health conditions that left her on a couch for much of 6 months, and had lingering psychological effects for several years that she’s still working through. The stress and pressures of that, and for me being a caretaker through all that, nearly split us apart on multiple occasions, but after a lot of work and ups and downs, we were able to finally get to a better and stronger place, made more resilient by all that madness.
The institution of marriage — and even more so divorce stigma — is almost like a cancer in our global society. We’ve taken the beautiful, natural attraction between the sexes and completely perverted it.
No doubt our world would be a much freer and happier place if women were free to choose their partner and only stay with them for as long as they desired.
And I can assure you that the expectational pressure you describe also exists for us men. Which I mention only to illustrate that nobody wins in an unfree society.
Why have we built — and why do we continue to accept living in — an unfree society that clearly makes so many of us rather miserable?
I also suffered from my mothers toxic shame following divorce (after two bereavements that pressured our relationship). It took me much longer to get past it than you! I see her less than before. Me being a woman on her own is so shameful to her which seems so strange to me now. I’ve achieved so much since then which seems more valuable to me and the world! Thanks for sharing your moving story.
Monica, I love the way you told this story, and I resonated with so, SO much of it. Though I haven't been married, I'm about to turn 30, and coming from an Indian family (where people you haven't even met before are trying to arrange your marriage), I related a lot to the pressures you described. Thankfully, my parents have been chill about my singleness but my elder relatives bring it up a lot and always direct the conversations to "Give us the good news [about finding a husband] soon" and stuff like that.
It is really sad how societal and cultural conditioning urges us to feel ashamed if we haven't been married by a certain age, and also the weight it places on marriage as a whole. (And, as you described, the pressure to keep the marriage going once you're in it.)
I appreciate you getting vulnerable and sharing this story with us. And I'm glad that you've redefined marriage, and what brings you fulfillment, on your own terms :)
I have so many thoughts and not the words to articulate them! I’m absolutely sure many many women relate to this.
My mum is twice divorced and so I’d always had a scepticism toward marriage. I didn’t know if I wanted to marry for many years.
When my stepbrother got engaged I remember the disgust at the idea of an engagement ring 💍 a message to all other men (and women) you’re taken. But where’s the man’s? Oh what, men aren’t property?
I’d always thought of wanting a party or celebration but not even sure if I’d do the paperwork.... Until I moved here and had to have surgery, alone in this country my partner was the only person around for me and he wasn’t allowed the time off work to be with me! In the end he had a nice boss who did it on the side but there were times when I was in a&e alone as he had to work.
So I’m married... With no engagement ring... And of course I asked him!
Bury that dead body & live in the moment.
Super relatable! Thank you for sharing!
Monica, your words spoke to me in so many ways.
I am 35 - unmarried with no kids. In a relationship with my significant other for 10 years. Funny how that amount of time bears no significance in comparison to a wedding or pregnancy. I had no idea when I turned 30 that this would be the crux of this decade as a woman. Everyone around me married with children.
I hear the questions often from family and people in the outside world, I’m used to it now. I’ve made it clear that I am choosing my own path in a world that sees that differently. Some days, I still question myself.
A lot of inner work has been done and still is to shift those beliefs of worthiness equated to decisions I make in my life. It’s incredible how drilled in it is from our young age, evidence of how strongly that shame and those expectations run through previous generations.
I see through the illusions of it though, a lot of it is for show on the surface. I’ve seen and heard too many stories that it’s not what it appears to be. So many feel so much pressure, not only to get married but to STAY married. God forbid if you choose to be single again as a woman in your 30’s and beyond.
One day at a time I am following my own path.
Thanks for sharing!! 🙏💗