Well said. I’ve experienced both sides at different times. I do think, whether as a local or a temporary local, we need to find ways of connecting to things in ways that enrich our spirits at a deeper level, and that’s where much joy and belonging comes from. Many expat friend groups I’ve seen seem to be based too often on superficial factors or temporary circumstance and don’t last. Of course, much the same could be said about coworkers or school mates even if you’re all from the same place. At this point, I just try to observe deeply and seek out kindred spirits wherever they are, and increasingly, seek out places where pro social and happy attitudes seem more ingrained in life as a matter of course.
Oh yes, I certainly connect with that 5 countries later. I found making friends when I was only living temporarily in a place much easier, the need for the friendship is different. I was in the flow of movement that happens in living abroad communities.
But now I’m trying to settle for a while, finding friends is much harder. The other English speakers, teachers or teaching assistants, are transient. Usually here only a short while. The settled ones have families, a disconnect as you know I cannot have children of my own. The locals although very welcoming out and about, haven’t much room in their agenda for new close friends.
Although I married a Spaniard, it wasn’t a ticket to a friendship group. He’s from a small town and most have left, only meeting in summer for Feria or during the Christmas break. They’re also either big drinkers, I can’t drink, or have children. So I feel a disconnect there too, they often ask why don’t I drink and when am I having children... Like you said, we’re all searching for common ground.
I didn’t realise how much time families take up, even if you see them once a week, that’s a social contact missing. I’ve inherited my husband’s family, who thankfully are lovely, but we live in a different city and his sister even further away!
So I write in the middle of a friendship challenge, I have friends I’ve managed to keep from school or university or home. But that makes most of my friendships online!
Okay I’m going to stop blabbing on, seems I’ve a lot to say on this subject! Xx
Loved this article Monica! Had to restack with quotes 3 times... 😅 I’ve lived in 7 countries throughout the past 9 years and it’s definitely not as “flashy” as some back home may think, but I’d never trade it for the world. I felt out of place growing up and even more so coming back now. I feel as though there comes a moment when we must properly grieve what has been and what will never come again in order to fully be able to embrace our new selves and where we’re going ❤️
I moved with then husband to Prague from the U.K. for 2 years many years ago. All the friends we made were expats. I tried to arrange play dates for my 3 year old but the Czech women weren’t interested! What I found hardest was moving back to U.K. again. Living abroad helps you understand what’s wrong (and right) with your home culture, like you say, subtle changes like shoes or nails, what’s funny or how people talk. It took me longer to adjust after returning to U.K. than when we moved out there! I hear this a lot from people who’ve lived in other countries. It’s coming back that’s hard to adjust too, as you’re sort of alien then. Maybe it’s better to move on as you have. Thank you for sharing this 🙏🏻
Oh gosh all the memories bubbling up from all the many places I’ve lived in and how hard it is to have returned “home” to Germany that just feels like a stranger I’m struggling to get to know again.
Maybe I should consider expat groups in Germany haha as I’m somehow more an expat than a German, only that I speak the local language.
When I lived in London, I only had international friends, no British, interestingly
Monica, what a beautifully written and thought-provoking essay. I really liked the elephant foot tree analogy, as I've been thinking a lot more about the few connections in my life that embody that time-tested quality. It's one of the best feelings to have those friendships that run deeper and feel like returning to a lost part of yourself, in some ways. I haven't been an expat or emigrated to another country, but I traveled across Asia for a year after college and it made me think a lot about the transience of friendships while on the road, as well as the way friendships back home felt different upon returning. Like you mentioned at the end, I've been in this space of not fighting to keep the connections alive that no longer feel the same. It's a grieving process for sure, but ultimately, we have to honor our own evolution and follow the path we're on. Thanks for sharing this! It was a pleasure to read. :)
Wow, I'm so grateful I came across your post. I so resonate! I've been living nomadically for 2 years now - changing cities every week or so - and my relationships have shifted dramatically, while others have become more rooted as you mention. I sometimes feel the guilt of leaving others behind, physically and emotionally, but I have to remind myself that some friends are only meant for certain chapters of our life.
I think the way we choose to live also speeds up our growth and evolution x 100. I've noticed this when I reconnect with old friends, they are still operating in the same way we did years ago. No judgement, but the path we've chosen is one of constant change (and more change). Thank you for your words, I'm looking forward to connecting with you more! You're one of the first people that I really resonate with their topic here on Substack (I'm new!).
I loved reading this. Making friends when you move to new places as an adult is such a strange social experiment. I spent nearly seven years on the road and had no problems making friends, but then I arrived in Australia. And, although it's not where I really wanted to spend my life, I met my partner and I've been living here for more than four years now. I've found it really hard to get on with expats here because they all want to be here and it was a real bucketlist place for them and a lot of people see it like this hot-weather beach-day-everyday utopia, whereas I see it quite differently.
We're also in a semi-rural area which is full of millionaires and horse properties and I have even less in common with them, so I've found my community in nature and in the birds and trees and through online connections. It's not quite the same, but I've all but given up on the real life thing. It's just too hard to meet my kinda people (as bad as that sounds!)
I like how you identify time and distance as means of helping to clarify our views of friendships, two aspects I can relate to. I am an expat myself having left the UK over a decade ago. At times, I experience real conflict about how to maintain certain relationships both in the UK, and with those people who I met abroad and who have moved elsewhere.
Thank you for the article! Brilliant! As an expat I think that for first I learned to deal with loneliness, and I think I more open to friendships than before. Also I think that the background I'm living now is different than when I am from and this make me grow up different than my childhood friends, and I feel than I don't fit with them anymore.
A thoughtful look at living the expat life and surviving— with new friends yet keeping the old. You covered a lot of ground and I can relate to so much of it. Thank you. Happy New Year!
I will be honest, I fear wandering the earth forever. So that I'm hoping to resettle in Japan, and to stay there permanently in the days to come, as I have little liking for long trips and even less to constantly uproot.
That said, it is a struggle to find work there, to bring oneself to leave one's homeland even one as inhospitable as Canada is these days but it must be done.
As an expat think it can be easy to make friends bc other expats yearn for companionship and where we moved, to a fishing village in southern Mexico, the locals were friendly and warm and happy to talk to us and take interest. But we tend to be gregarious and enjoy others, socializing. Also I've kept in touch over the years w/ people from all my places I've lived. Which is great. I'm a Gemini and tend to be a bit of a social butterfly. Also I just like keeping connections.
Well said. I’ve experienced both sides at different times. I do think, whether as a local or a temporary local, we need to find ways of connecting to things in ways that enrich our spirits at a deeper level, and that’s where much joy and belonging comes from. Many expat friend groups I’ve seen seem to be based too often on superficial factors or temporary circumstance and don’t last. Of course, much the same could be said about coworkers or school mates even if you’re all from the same place. At this point, I just try to observe deeply and seek out kindred spirits wherever they are, and increasingly, seek out places where pro social and happy attitudes seem more ingrained in life as a matter of course.
Oh yes, I certainly connect with that 5 countries later. I found making friends when I was only living temporarily in a place much easier, the need for the friendship is different. I was in the flow of movement that happens in living abroad communities.
But now I’m trying to settle for a while, finding friends is much harder. The other English speakers, teachers or teaching assistants, are transient. Usually here only a short while. The settled ones have families, a disconnect as you know I cannot have children of my own. The locals although very welcoming out and about, haven’t much room in their agenda for new close friends.
Although I married a Spaniard, it wasn’t a ticket to a friendship group. He’s from a small town and most have left, only meeting in summer for Feria or during the Christmas break. They’re also either big drinkers, I can’t drink, or have children. So I feel a disconnect there too, they often ask why don’t I drink and when am I having children... Like you said, we’re all searching for common ground.
I didn’t realise how much time families take up, even if you see them once a week, that’s a social contact missing. I’ve inherited my husband’s family, who thankfully are lovely, but we live in a different city and his sister even further away!
So I write in the middle of a friendship challenge, I have friends I’ve managed to keep from school or university or home. But that makes most of my friendships online!
Okay I’m going to stop blabbing on, seems I’ve a lot to say on this subject! Xx
Loved this article Monica! Had to restack with quotes 3 times... 😅 I’ve lived in 7 countries throughout the past 9 years and it’s definitely not as “flashy” as some back home may think, but I’d never trade it for the world. I felt out of place growing up and even more so coming back now. I feel as though there comes a moment when we must properly grieve what has been and what will never come again in order to fully be able to embrace our new selves and where we’re going ❤️
I moved with then husband to Prague from the U.K. for 2 years many years ago. All the friends we made were expats. I tried to arrange play dates for my 3 year old but the Czech women weren’t interested! What I found hardest was moving back to U.K. again. Living abroad helps you understand what’s wrong (and right) with your home culture, like you say, subtle changes like shoes or nails, what’s funny or how people talk. It took me longer to adjust after returning to U.K. than when we moved out there! I hear this a lot from people who’ve lived in other countries. It’s coming back that’s hard to adjust too, as you’re sort of alien then. Maybe it’s better to move on as you have. Thank you for sharing this 🙏🏻
The constant complaining and negative attitude, even when holding a 6.5€ Starbucks latte.
I can relate to that :)
Coming from poor rural New Zealand I was shocked by the waste and extravagance of the USA....
As well as the fact that people did not share food off their plates...HAAH.
Traveling to South Africa and Turkey and Portugal opened my eyes...
Great article :)
Oh gosh all the memories bubbling up from all the many places I’ve lived in and how hard it is to have returned “home” to Germany that just feels like a stranger I’m struggling to get to know again.
Maybe I should consider expat groups in Germany haha as I’m somehow more an expat than a German, only that I speak the local language.
When I lived in London, I only had international friends, no British, interestingly
Monica, what a beautifully written and thought-provoking essay. I really liked the elephant foot tree analogy, as I've been thinking a lot more about the few connections in my life that embody that time-tested quality. It's one of the best feelings to have those friendships that run deeper and feel like returning to a lost part of yourself, in some ways. I haven't been an expat or emigrated to another country, but I traveled across Asia for a year after college and it made me think a lot about the transience of friendships while on the road, as well as the way friendships back home felt different upon returning. Like you mentioned at the end, I've been in this space of not fighting to keep the connections alive that no longer feel the same. It's a grieving process for sure, but ultimately, we have to honor our own evolution and follow the path we're on. Thanks for sharing this! It was a pleasure to read. :)
Wow, I'm so grateful I came across your post. I so resonate! I've been living nomadically for 2 years now - changing cities every week or so - and my relationships have shifted dramatically, while others have become more rooted as you mention. I sometimes feel the guilt of leaving others behind, physically and emotionally, but I have to remind myself that some friends are only meant for certain chapters of our life.
I think the way we choose to live also speeds up our growth and evolution x 100. I've noticed this when I reconnect with old friends, they are still operating in the same way we did years ago. No judgement, but the path we've chosen is one of constant change (and more change). Thank you for your words, I'm looking forward to connecting with you more! You're one of the first people that I really resonate with their topic here on Substack (I'm new!).
I loved reading this. Making friends when you move to new places as an adult is such a strange social experiment. I spent nearly seven years on the road and had no problems making friends, but then I arrived in Australia. And, although it's not where I really wanted to spend my life, I met my partner and I've been living here for more than four years now. I've found it really hard to get on with expats here because they all want to be here and it was a real bucketlist place for them and a lot of people see it like this hot-weather beach-day-everyday utopia, whereas I see it quite differently.
We're also in a semi-rural area which is full of millionaires and horse properties and I have even less in common with them, so I've found my community in nature and in the birds and trees and through online connections. It's not quite the same, but I've all but given up on the real life thing. It's just too hard to meet my kinda people (as bad as that sounds!)
So glad that I found your piece Monica via Notes!
I like how you identify time and distance as means of helping to clarify our views of friendships, two aspects I can relate to. I am an expat myself having left the UK over a decade ago. At times, I experience real conflict about how to maintain certain relationships both in the UK, and with those people who I met abroad and who have moved elsewhere.
Thanks for sharing.
By the way, I’m writing now as well, recently posted my first entries.
Thank you for the article! Brilliant! As an expat I think that for first I learned to deal with loneliness, and I think I more open to friendships than before. Also I think that the background I'm living now is different than when I am from and this make me grow up different than my childhood friends, and I feel than I don't fit with them anymore.
A thoughtful look at living the expat life and surviving— with new friends yet keeping the old. You covered a lot of ground and I can relate to so much of it. Thank you. Happy New Year!
I will be honest, I fear wandering the earth forever. So that I'm hoping to resettle in Japan, and to stay there permanently in the days to come, as I have little liking for long trips and even less to constantly uproot.
That said, it is a struggle to find work there, to bring oneself to leave one's homeland even one as inhospitable as Canada is these days but it must be done.
I just discovered your page, I am so happy that I did.
As an expat think it can be easy to make friends bc other expats yearn for companionship and where we moved, to a fishing village in southern Mexico, the locals were friendly and warm and happy to talk to us and take interest. But we tend to be gregarious and enjoy others, socializing. Also I've kept in touch over the years w/ people from all my places I've lived. Which is great. I'm a Gemini and tend to be a bit of a social butterfly. Also I just like keeping connections.