Nov 7, 2023·edited Nov 7, 2023Liked by Monica Nastase
Well said, I've had some similar experiences. An interesting and weird thing about Canada, in stark contrast to America, where I immigrated from, almost no one will ever ask you where you're from, ever. Even if you obviously have a strong accent. Multi culturalism and the "multi cultural" idea of Canada is so woven into the fabric of being Canadian now, that even if people are thinking it, or racist etc. in some way, they will never reveal it. On the other hand, most Anglo Canadians especially have a very strong stoic/austere/teutonic/Nordic quality to them, such that, much like your entry about arriving in DE, they will simply never ask or be curious about you if you don't already have an in, period. So in summary, you can look like whatever and be from anywhere..but we won't be curious about you one way or another...but everyone is welcome/accepted!
Haha you write what I forever have issues with. I’m English Irish, which is often not recognised by many despite it being a common mix and is followed with ‘but no, where are you frrrrommmm’. I also get comments from English people like ‘If you’re born in England you’re English’ which should really come with brackets (if you’re white, which you are) because we all know if I was a POC I’d be asked ‘but where are you really frommmmmm’.
Interestingly though in Spain I’ve settled happily being completely different. They don’t often get the English Irish thing but it feels less offensive when they just repeat back one, often the Irish, which I’m happy about. Or don’t actually listen and think I’m French 😆 I own my guiri title much to Spanish people’s amusement. But the staring, that real Spain you asked about, I still struggle with. I feel like walking into a bar and announcing ‘SI, SOY ALTA. TENGO OJOS CLAROS. NO ESTOY DE AQUÍ.’ Just to get it out of the way 🤣 Or maybe just wearing a sign haha.
There’s a great TED talk about this I’ll have to dig out, but the woman who presents it suggests asking ‘Where are you local?’ I liked it! I’m terrible and ask often where people are from, I also ask them what they do which I think is a boring question... But as you said I suppose we’re all just looking for connection!
I've been an immigrant/ex-pat since I left England for Holland in 1985. In the US in particular, being from England is not a negative. My accent is "cute". It means I really don't mind being asked where I'm from. But I know that's not the case for people from elsewhere. I'm careful not to ask unless it's really in context, in which case it's likely to be offered without me asking.
At a conference back in the last presidency, a speaker from Zambia introduced himself by saying "I am from a shithole country " Proud to say we gave him a standing ovation.
Nov 7, 2023·edited Nov 7, 2023Liked by Monica Nastase
Nice write-up 🙂
I tend to ask that question in networking or expat socials, but maybe should rethink. I find its a good starter for convos. I think I also asked you when we met😆 But I also ask locals to be fair. Interested if they are from here or the other part of the country.
Good idea with your new answer. Maybe mine willl be: international and complicated😁
I understand the filling of being asked this question, the thought of being put near some stereotype and the anxiety of having to give a “but”.
I somehow disagree with the conclusions and particularly the wish of making this question disappear, even after acknowledging its good intentions.
I surely suffer some type of stereotype ignorance, but the cure I know includes lost of travelling, getting to know people from every possible background and ask these questions.
I believe that for situations like this, opposite to being reduced to a stereotype, every time you answered this question, it has (massively) contributed to reduce that ignorant view sourced from the eight o’clock evening news.
First impression is formed by the part of our brain that works without us being conscious of what’s happening. By the time the conscious part tries to make a judgment, the deal has been set.
"I truly feel my identity contains a bit from each culture where I settled in, created homes, and loved for the past 20 years. These life experiences made me belong to each of these places."
This is such a brilliant quote, Monica! I really think it helps explain why I now sometimes feel like an immigrant in the country I originally emigrated from. Despite all the travel people have done, it's only when you live and immerse yourself in a different country that you feel this sense of belonging. A sense that others cannot feel and that's perhaps why they ask us where we're from.
One thing I love doing when I'm with new groups is to pre-empt the "where are you from" question by asking people to guess where my accent is from. It's a fun little icebreaker that almost no one ever gets right. I lived abroad so long and still speak Danish at home with my wife so I have an accent that can be hard to place because it's really not from anywhere.
Loved this article, Monica. Rang more than a few bells.
When I first came to Japan 30 years ago, people asked me so many times where I was from that it got a little irritating. I started responding, "I'm an earthling", which got a chuckle.
I agree that it's hard for people not to define who you are simply based on where your passport was issued. Like others here who have left comments, I've lived in a variety of places for many years and have adapted to and adopted many cultures.
Thank you Monica! This is great! Had me experiencing lots of different emotions as I made my way through the piece. 100% an education to me, on one level... and 100% familiar from my experience with Juliet, my wife, who has a spinal cord injury and paralysis from her waist down. She was hit by a drinker driver and today, uses a wheelchair to get around. People nearly always ask her, 'What happened to you then?' Again, trying to immediately and narrowly reduce her to her injury. She is not her disability. That's just something [major] which happened in her life, her past, which today she may wish to keep very private. When we're together, we reasonably often get asked, 'Well... how do you... you know? You know... do it?' 'Do what?' I reply, with full knowledge of what they're asking! Thx Monica! Looking forward to following you now here
Omg can we be friends please? Here, in official interviews (work/bank) they can't ask directly where you're from, so people opt for a sensible "where is the accent from?" . I personally like to ask people I meet "Where do you feel at home?" or "What's your cultural background" which doesn't mean much, but it's surely less objectifying and allows for some much needed narrative.
Well said, I've had some similar experiences. An interesting and weird thing about Canada, in stark contrast to America, where I immigrated from, almost no one will ever ask you where you're from, ever. Even if you obviously have a strong accent. Multi culturalism and the "multi cultural" idea of Canada is so woven into the fabric of being Canadian now, that even if people are thinking it, or racist etc. in some way, they will never reveal it. On the other hand, most Anglo Canadians especially have a very strong stoic/austere/teutonic/Nordic quality to them, such that, much like your entry about arriving in DE, they will simply never ask or be curious about you if you don't already have an in, period. So in summary, you can look like whatever and be from anywhere..but we won't be curious about you one way or another...but everyone is welcome/accepted!
Haha you write what I forever have issues with. I’m English Irish, which is often not recognised by many despite it being a common mix and is followed with ‘but no, where are you frrrrommmm’. I also get comments from English people like ‘If you’re born in England you’re English’ which should really come with brackets (if you’re white, which you are) because we all know if I was a POC I’d be asked ‘but where are you really frommmmmm’.
Interestingly though in Spain I’ve settled happily being completely different. They don’t often get the English Irish thing but it feels less offensive when they just repeat back one, often the Irish, which I’m happy about. Or don’t actually listen and think I’m French 😆 I own my guiri title much to Spanish people’s amusement. But the staring, that real Spain you asked about, I still struggle with. I feel like walking into a bar and announcing ‘SI, SOY ALTA. TENGO OJOS CLAROS. NO ESTOY DE AQUÍ.’ Just to get it out of the way 🤣 Or maybe just wearing a sign haha.
There’s a great TED talk about this I’ll have to dig out, but the woman who presents it suggests asking ‘Where are you local?’ I liked it! I’m terrible and ask often where people are from, I also ask them what they do which I think is a boring question... But as you said I suppose we’re all just looking for connection!
I've been an immigrant/ex-pat since I left England for Holland in 1985. In the US in particular, being from England is not a negative. My accent is "cute". It means I really don't mind being asked where I'm from. But I know that's not the case for people from elsewhere. I'm careful not to ask unless it's really in context, in which case it's likely to be offered without me asking.
At a conference back in the last presidency, a speaker from Zambia introduced himself by saying "I am from a shithole country " Proud to say we gave him a standing ovation.
Nice write-up 🙂
I tend to ask that question in networking or expat socials, but maybe should rethink. I find its a good starter for convos. I think I also asked you when we met😆 But I also ask locals to be fair. Interested if they are from here or the other part of the country.
Good idea with your new answer. Maybe mine willl be: international and complicated😁
Yip! I have a new Zealand accent, but born in Canada, lived many years in Australia and the USA.
I say I'm a child of the world!
I understand the filling of being asked this question, the thought of being put near some stereotype and the anxiety of having to give a “but”.
I somehow disagree with the conclusions and particularly the wish of making this question disappear, even after acknowledging its good intentions.
I surely suffer some type of stereotype ignorance, but the cure I know includes lost of travelling, getting to know people from every possible background and ask these questions.
I believe that for situations like this, opposite to being reduced to a stereotype, every time you answered this question, it has (massively) contributed to reduce that ignorant view sourced from the eight o’clock evening news.
First impression is formed by the part of our brain that works without us being conscious of what’s happening. By the time the conscious part tries to make a judgment, the deal has been set.
Happens everywhere from Australia to Japan but in any of my travels too
"I truly feel my identity contains a bit from each culture where I settled in, created homes, and loved for the past 20 years. These life experiences made me belong to each of these places."
This is such a brilliant quote, Monica! I really think it helps explain why I now sometimes feel like an immigrant in the country I originally emigrated from. Despite all the travel people have done, it's only when you live and immerse yourself in a different country that you feel this sense of belonging. A sense that others cannot feel and that's perhaps why they ask us where we're from.
One thing I love doing when I'm with new groups is to pre-empt the "where are you from" question by asking people to guess where my accent is from. It's a fun little icebreaker that almost no one ever gets right. I lived abroad so long and still speak Danish at home with my wife so I have an accent that can be hard to place because it's really not from anywhere.
Thank you for sharing this article with us.
Thank you for writing this. You have helped me to better my relating to others. I am still breathing and therefore still able to learn.
Reading, I felt a sense of dejavue and connection. Thank you!
Loved this article, Monica. Rang more than a few bells.
When I first came to Japan 30 years ago, people asked me so many times where I was from that it got a little irritating. I started responding, "I'm an earthling", which got a chuckle.
I agree that it's hard for people not to define who you are simply based on where your passport was issued. Like others here who have left comments, I've lived in a variety of places for many years and have adapted to and adopted many cultures.
Sticking with "earthling" for the time being. :-)
Thank you Monica! This is great! Had me experiencing lots of different emotions as I made my way through the piece. 100% an education to me, on one level... and 100% familiar from my experience with Juliet, my wife, who has a spinal cord injury and paralysis from her waist down. She was hit by a drinker driver and today, uses a wheelchair to get around. People nearly always ask her, 'What happened to you then?' Again, trying to immediately and narrowly reduce her to her injury. She is not her disability. That's just something [major] which happened in her life, her past, which today she may wish to keep very private. When we're together, we reasonably often get asked, 'Well... how do you... you know? You know... do it?' 'Do what?' I reply, with full knowledge of what they're asking! Thx Monica! Looking forward to following you now here
Omg can we be friends please? Here, in official interviews (work/bank) they can't ask directly where you're from, so people opt for a sensible "where is the accent from?" . I personally like to ask people I meet "Where do you feel at home?" or "What's your cultural background" which doesn't mean much, but it's surely less objectifying and allows for some much needed narrative.