You have a very interesting life path, at least geographically speaking. I'm curious, if you'd like to share, how come you lived in so many places? Was it due to career moves, personal choices, etc? I can understand very well how complex it must be to navigate multiple languages and OPOL (I had to google it, but of course I use it too in my daily life & work).
Very interesting paths they had, true children of the world! Which, of course, comes with challenges as well.
Well, I landed in the States with a full scholarship to do a Master's degree at a public university. The experience was indeed surreal at the beginning, that's how different the two countries were at least in the early 2000s.
Nov 7, 2023·edited Nov 7, 2023Liked by Monica Nastase
Well said, I've had some similar experiences. An interesting and weird thing about Canada, in stark contrast to America, where I immigrated from, almost no one will ever ask you where you're from, ever. Even if you obviously have a strong accent. Multi culturalism and the "multi cultural" idea of Canada is so woven into the fabric of being Canadian now, that even if people are thinking it, or racist etc. in some way, they will never reveal it. On the other hand, most Anglo Canadians especially have a very strong stoic/austere/teutonic/Nordic quality to them, such that, much like your entry about arriving in DE, they will simply never ask or be curious about you if you don't already have an in, period. So in summary, you can look like whatever and be from anywhere..but we won't be curious about you one way or another...but everyone is welcome/accepted!
Thanks for your perspective, Nick! I haven't been to Canada yet, so I had no idea about this. Of course, if people don't ask you where you're from it doesn't mean they want to stereotype less; there is a cultural aspect to it, as you mention.
Haha you write what I forever have issues with. I’m English Irish, which is often not recognised by many despite it being a common mix and is followed with ‘but no, where are you frrrrommmm’. I also get comments from English people like ‘If you’re born in England you’re English’ which should really come with brackets (if you’re white, which you are) because we all know if I was a POC I’d be asked ‘but where are you really frommmmmm’.
Interestingly though in Spain I’ve settled happily being completely different. They don’t often get the English Irish thing but it feels less offensive when they just repeat back one, often the Irish, which I’m happy about. Or don’t actually listen and think I’m French 😆 I own my guiri title much to Spanish people’s amusement. But the staring, that real Spain you asked about, I still struggle with. I feel like walking into a bar and announcing ‘SI, SOY ALTA. TENGO OJOS CLAROS. NO ESTOY DE AQUÍ.’ Just to get it out of the way 🤣 Or maybe just wearing a sign haha.
There’s a great TED talk about this I’ll have to dig out, but the woman who presents it suggests asking ‘Where are you local?’ I liked it! I’m terrible and ask often where people are from, I also ask them what they do which I think is a boring question... But as you said I suppose we’re all just looking for connection!
I hadn’t thought of the paperless ilegal thing. I’ve heard lots of Irish living in Australia past their visa dates or the days when Irish I’m emigrated to America and lived their whole lives without a green card (I’ve family still there who can’t come home). But it’s viewed very different!
Yeah, the endless confusion between British and English, not to mention about Scottish, Welsh or Irish... Curious to hear why people think you're French?
That TED talk sounds familiar, I must have listened to it long ago. Of course, I also ask people where they are from (I just did an hour ago! 🙈) but it's more about being mindful and putting things in context. Looking for a connection sounds much better than looking to stereotype! 😀
That’s very true, it’s the follow up question that makes a difference. Just yesterday a student asked me the difference between British, English, Scottish, Irish, northern Irish and Welsh! It’s a tricky one alright.
My connection to your country is my husband lived there for Erasmus, his ex girlfriend is Romanian Spanish. There’s also a very good endometriosis surgeon there! ☺️
I've been an immigrant/ex-pat since I left England for Holland in 1985. In the US in particular, being from England is not a negative. My accent is "cute". It means I really don't mind being asked where I'm from. But I know that's not the case for people from elsewhere. I'm careful not to ask unless it's really in context, in which case it's likely to be offered without me asking.
Yes, I think it's all about the context and the intention with which you ask. As an expat yourself (by the way, I intentionally put 'immigrant' and not 'expat' in the title of my essay, but that's another topic), I'm sure you're mindful about this.
At a conference back in the last presidency, a speaker from Zambia introduced himself by saying "I am from a shithole country " Proud to say we gave him a standing ovation.
Nov 7, 2023·edited Nov 7, 2023Liked by Monica Nastase
Nice write-up 🙂
I tend to ask that question in networking or expat socials, but maybe should rethink. I find its a good starter for convos. I think I also asked you when we met😆 But I also ask locals to be fair. Interested if they are from here or the other part of the country.
Good idea with your new answer. Maybe mine willl be: international and complicated😁
My intention is to explore deeper and analyze more this topic, not to judge or to give verdicts about how we should behave. We asked each other where we're from, it wasn't just you! 😄 Of course, sometimes it's useful and valuable to find out this info in order to build a connection or to learn something new. But in other contexts it can be highly stereotypical.
Hahah your answer sounds great too! I might adopt it as well!
I know Monica it's not about judging. It is good to make us think a little though. To question different things we do or say, how it can affect others. Love your articles, I still have to catch up with a few :)
Very well put, I like this distinction. It reminds me of how I present myself in professional circles: a multi-country expat. It's not a straight line, from A to B, where you can take "baggage" with you, but a winding road with several pit stops.
I understand the filling of being asked this question, the thought of being put near some stereotype and the anxiety of having to give a “but”.
I somehow disagree with the conclusions and particularly the wish of making this question disappear, even after acknowledging its good intentions.
I surely suffer some type of stereotype ignorance, but the cure I know includes lost of travelling, getting to know people from every possible background and ask these questions.
I believe that for situations like this, opposite to being reduced to a stereotype, every time you answered this question, it has (massively) contributed to reduce that ignorant view sourced from the eight o’clock evening news.
First impression is formed by the part of our brain that works without us being conscious of what’s happening. By the time the conscious part tries to make a judgment, the deal has been set.
Of course, the intent with which you ask the question is the most important. I don't think I'd vote for abolishing the question completely, but just for a closer examination of its effects, when it's asked with different types of intentions.
As always, what we speak (or write) shows who we are. Your answer represents who *you* are: an open-minded cosmopolitan man, who asks where you are from in order to broaden your horizons and learn something new, not to stereotype. 😉
I also like your positive take on what others might have gained by asking me where I am from! That's a good point as well! Thanks, Carlo!
In my experience of living as an immigrant in different countries for my entire adult life and now sometimes feeling like one in the country I originally emigrated from, people who ask it are looking to confirm their bias. Even if they don't know exactly where your accent or your looks are from, they interpret them as "not from here". As you say, it's a result of first impression. It's an unconscious move. But, as you also say, "the deal has been set" and that's what often made the question difficult for me. While in Norway, I used it to motivate myself to learn the language so well that I could avoid the most difficult-to-pronounce words and hide my accent. With Nordic looks and a Norwegian name I inherited from a grandfather I never met, that was helpful... and then people who knew me introduced me as "Paul from Canada", rather than Paul the colleague I've worked with for the past ten years!
Yes, sure, it does happen everywhere. My intention is to explore deeper in what contexts we ask or get asked that question, and how we can avoid stereotyping.
"I truly feel my identity contains a bit from each culture where I settled in, created homes, and loved for the past 20 years. These life experiences made me belong to each of these places."
This is such a brilliant quote, Monica! I really think it helps explain why I now sometimes feel like an immigrant in the country I originally emigrated from. Despite all the travel people have done, it's only when you live and immerse yourself in a different country that you feel this sense of belonging. A sense that others cannot feel and that's perhaps why they ask us where we're from.
One thing I love doing when I'm with new groups is to pre-empt the "where are you from" question by asking people to guess where my accent is from. It's a fun little icebreaker that almost no one ever gets right. I lived abroad so long and still speak Danish at home with my wife so I have an accent that can be hard to place because it's really not from anywhere.
Thanks so much, Paul! I also definitely feel like an outsider when I visit Romania. I like that idea, to turn it more into a game and ask others to guess your accent. I might try it next time I have the chance.
Loved this article, Monica. Rang more than a few bells.
When I first came to Japan 30 years ago, people asked me so many times where I was from that it got a little irritating. I started responding, "I'm an earthling", which got a chuckle.
I agree that it's hard for people not to define who you are simply based on where your passport was issued. Like others here who have left comments, I've lived in a variety of places for many years and have adapted to and adopted many cultures.
Thanks for reading, Louise, and I'm glad it rang a bell or two. It's a double edged question, and I think what's important is the intent with which it's asked. Cannot help but wonder how one says 'earthling' in Japanese. ;-)
Thank you Monica! This is great! Had me experiencing lots of different emotions as I made my way through the piece. 100% an education to me, on one level... and 100% familiar from my experience with Juliet, my wife, who has a spinal cord injury and paralysis from her waist down. She was hit by a drinker driver and today, uses a wheelchair to get around. People nearly always ask her, 'What happened to you then?' Again, trying to immediately and narrowly reduce her to her injury. She is not her disability. That's just something [major] which happened in her life, her past, which today she may wish to keep very private. When we're together, we reasonably often get asked, 'Well... how do you... you know? You know... do it?' 'Do what?' I reply, with full knowledge of what they're asking! Thx Monica! Looking forward to following you now here
Thanks so much for sharing your own experience, Glenn. I see how the two topics are related. People look for shortcuts in understanding us, they look for one strand to hold on to and pretend they got it. They understood who we are. And many times, if you look or sound different (immigrant) or if your body moves differently than theirs (physical disability), that's the first strand they grab onto. Of course it's disturbing, but I think it's about the intention with which the question is being asked.
This reminds me of the word to objectify. To objectify someone is to reduce them to a 2D version of themselves, an object, to reduce them to one trait, so you can encompass with your mind *who* they are.
By the way, I perceived a lot of love for your wife from your message. 🩷
What a great comment and reply Monica! You're super articulate, and wise... and yes, Juliet and I are more in love today than ever. And after all this time! Lucky!
Omg can we be friends please? Here, in official interviews (work/bank) they can't ask directly where you're from, so people opt for a sensible "where is the accent from?" . I personally like to ask people I meet "Where do you feel at home?" or "What's your cultural background" which doesn't mean much, but it's surely less objectifying and allows for some much needed narrative.
In certain situations (i.e.: not at the bank), I like to answer: "I'm from many places" and see the reaction on people's faces. It also works as a conversation starter. I love your questions too.
I just pictured you instantly turning into some mythical creature, surrounded by mist and darkness, possibly a cauldron is involved. "I am from many places, I am the oyster, and the pearl. I am here to pose you this riddle..."
I really enjoyed reading this. I like your I-am-from-many-places approach. That is usually the approach I have been taking, especially since even as a child I lived in two countries and three US states. However, a guy was recently unhappy with that response: he said something along the lines of, "Ok, I get it! You don't want to tell me where you're from." I wanted to tell him where I'm from, but I was trying to do it in a way that didn't take a memoir of a response...I guess we can't always win! Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Some people - usually the ones who haven't experienced this phenomenon - don't understand it and take it personally. What can you do. It's more enriching to try to describe a bit your path rather than stick to the clichés, right?
You have a very interesting life path, at least geographically speaking. I'm curious, if you'd like to share, how come you lived in so many places? Was it due to career moves, personal choices, etc? I can understand very well how complex it must be to navigate multiple languages and OPOL (I had to google it, but of course I use it too in my daily life & work).
Sounds fascinating! I hope you'll be writing more about it.
Very interesting paths they had, true children of the world! Which, of course, comes with challenges as well.
Well, I landed in the States with a full scholarship to do a Master's degree at a public university. The experience was indeed surreal at the beginning, that's how different the two countries were at least in the early 2000s.
I love how the world becomes smaller the more we travel and live abroad, the more we mingle with other travelers and foreigners.
Well said, I've had some similar experiences. An interesting and weird thing about Canada, in stark contrast to America, where I immigrated from, almost no one will ever ask you where you're from, ever. Even if you obviously have a strong accent. Multi culturalism and the "multi cultural" idea of Canada is so woven into the fabric of being Canadian now, that even if people are thinking it, or racist etc. in some way, they will never reveal it. On the other hand, most Anglo Canadians especially have a very strong stoic/austere/teutonic/Nordic quality to them, such that, much like your entry about arriving in DE, they will simply never ask or be curious about you if you don't already have an in, period. So in summary, you can look like whatever and be from anywhere..but we won't be curious about you one way or another...but everyone is welcome/accepted!
Thanks for your perspective, Nick! I haven't been to Canada yet, so I had no idea about this. Of course, if people don't ask you where you're from it doesn't mean they want to stereotype less; there is a cultural aspect to it, as you mention.
Haha you write what I forever have issues with. I’m English Irish, which is often not recognised by many despite it being a common mix and is followed with ‘but no, where are you frrrrommmm’. I also get comments from English people like ‘If you’re born in England you’re English’ which should really come with brackets (if you’re white, which you are) because we all know if I was a POC I’d be asked ‘but where are you really frommmmmm’.
Interestingly though in Spain I’ve settled happily being completely different. They don’t often get the English Irish thing but it feels less offensive when they just repeat back one, often the Irish, which I’m happy about. Or don’t actually listen and think I’m French 😆 I own my guiri title much to Spanish people’s amusement. But the staring, that real Spain you asked about, I still struggle with. I feel like walking into a bar and announcing ‘SI, SOY ALTA. TENGO OJOS CLAROS. NO ESTOY DE AQUÍ.’ Just to get it out of the way 🤣 Or maybe just wearing a sign haha.
There’s a great TED talk about this I’ll have to dig out, but the woman who presents it suggests asking ‘Where are you local?’ I liked it! I’m terrible and ask often where people are from, I also ask them what they do which I think is a boring question... But as you said I suppose we’re all just looking for connection!
I hadn’t thought of the paperless ilegal thing. I’ve heard lots of Irish living in Australia past their visa dates or the days when Irish I’m emigrated to America and lived their whole lives without a green card (I’ve family still there who can’t come home). But it’s viewed very different!
Yeah, the endless confusion between British and English, not to mention about Scottish, Welsh or Irish... Curious to hear why people think you're French?
That TED talk sounds familiar, I must have listened to it long ago. Of course, I also ask people where they are from (I just did an hour ago! 🙈) but it's more about being mindful and putting things in context. Looking for a connection sounds much better than looking to stereotype! 😀
That’s very true, it’s the follow up question that makes a difference. Just yesterday a student asked me the difference between British, English, Scottish, Irish, northern Irish and Welsh! It’s a tricky one alright.
My connection to your country is my husband lived there for Erasmus, his ex girlfriend is Romanian Spanish. There’s also a very good endometriosis surgeon there! ☺️
I've been an immigrant/ex-pat since I left England for Holland in 1985. In the US in particular, being from England is not a negative. My accent is "cute". It means I really don't mind being asked where I'm from. But I know that's not the case for people from elsewhere. I'm careful not to ask unless it's really in context, in which case it's likely to be offered without me asking.
Yes, I think it's all about the context and the intention with which you ask. As an expat yourself (by the way, I intentionally put 'immigrant' and not 'expat' in the title of my essay, but that's another topic), I'm sure you're mindful about this.
At a conference back in the last presidency, a speaker from Zambia introduced himself by saying "I am from a shithole country " Proud to say we gave him a standing ovation.
It sounds very much like a strong political statement! 👏🏽
Forgetting you're not in the US, sorry. The then president, can't say his name, said "Why are all our immigrants from shithole countries?"
Yeah yeah, in a split second I thought exactly of *that* president... Who else would be associated with such language?!
Nice write-up 🙂
I tend to ask that question in networking or expat socials, but maybe should rethink. I find its a good starter for convos. I think I also asked you when we met😆 But I also ask locals to be fair. Interested if they are from here or the other part of the country.
Good idea with your new answer. Maybe mine willl be: international and complicated😁
My intention is to explore deeper and analyze more this topic, not to judge or to give verdicts about how we should behave. We asked each other where we're from, it wasn't just you! 😄 Of course, sometimes it's useful and valuable to find out this info in order to build a connection or to learn something new. But in other contexts it can be highly stereotypical.
Hahah your answer sounds great too! I might adopt it as well!
I know Monica it's not about judging. It is good to make us think a little though. To question different things we do or say, how it can affect others. Love your articles, I still have to catch up with a few :)
Very well put, I like this distinction. It reminds me of how I present myself in professional circles: a multi-country expat. It's not a straight line, from A to B, where you can take "baggage" with you, but a winding road with several pit stops.
Yip! I have a new Zealand accent, but born in Canada, lived many years in Australia and the USA.
I say I'm a child of the world!
I like your answer too! I feel like that many times as well. And when I think I'm a child of the world, I imagine a borderless world.
I understand the filling of being asked this question, the thought of being put near some stereotype and the anxiety of having to give a “but”.
I somehow disagree with the conclusions and particularly the wish of making this question disappear, even after acknowledging its good intentions.
I surely suffer some type of stereotype ignorance, but the cure I know includes lost of travelling, getting to know people from every possible background and ask these questions.
I believe that for situations like this, opposite to being reduced to a stereotype, every time you answered this question, it has (massively) contributed to reduce that ignorant view sourced from the eight o’clock evening news.
First impression is formed by the part of our brain that works without us being conscious of what’s happening. By the time the conscious part tries to make a judgment, the deal has been set.
Of course, the intent with which you ask the question is the most important. I don't think I'd vote for abolishing the question completely, but just for a closer examination of its effects, when it's asked with different types of intentions.
As always, what we speak (or write) shows who we are. Your answer represents who *you* are: an open-minded cosmopolitan man, who asks where you are from in order to broaden your horizons and learn something new, not to stereotype. 😉
I also like your positive take on what others might have gained by asking me where I am from! That's a good point as well! Thanks, Carlo!
In my experience of living as an immigrant in different countries for my entire adult life and now sometimes feeling like one in the country I originally emigrated from, people who ask it are looking to confirm their bias. Even if they don't know exactly where your accent or your looks are from, they interpret them as "not from here". As you say, it's a result of first impression. It's an unconscious move. But, as you also say, "the deal has been set" and that's what often made the question difficult for me. While in Norway, I used it to motivate myself to learn the language so well that I could avoid the most difficult-to-pronounce words and hide my accent. With Nordic looks and a Norwegian name I inherited from a grandfather I never met, that was helpful... and then people who knew me introduced me as "Paul from Canada", rather than Paul the colleague I've worked with for the past ten years!
In the end, it's about simplifying a person to one label, or having the patience and interest to learn about all their multiple facets.
Happens everywhere from Australia to Japan but in any of my travels too
Yes, sure, it does happen everywhere. My intention is to explore deeper in what contexts we ask or get asked that question, and how we can avoid stereotyping.
"I truly feel my identity contains a bit from each culture where I settled in, created homes, and loved for the past 20 years. These life experiences made me belong to each of these places."
This is such a brilliant quote, Monica! I really think it helps explain why I now sometimes feel like an immigrant in the country I originally emigrated from. Despite all the travel people have done, it's only when you live and immerse yourself in a different country that you feel this sense of belonging. A sense that others cannot feel and that's perhaps why they ask us where we're from.
One thing I love doing when I'm with new groups is to pre-empt the "where are you from" question by asking people to guess where my accent is from. It's a fun little icebreaker that almost no one ever gets right. I lived abroad so long and still speak Danish at home with my wife so I have an accent that can be hard to place because it's really not from anywhere.
Thank you for sharing this article with us.
Thanks so much, Paul! I also definitely feel like an outsider when I visit Romania. I like that idea, to turn it more into a game and ask others to guess your accent. I might try it next time I have the chance.
Thank you for writing this. You have helped me to better my relating to others. I am still breathing and therefore still able to learn.
Thank you for your kind words, J.L.! 💛
Reading, I felt a sense of dejavue and connection. Thank you!
Thanks, Yolanda! I'm glad it resonated.
Loved this article, Monica. Rang more than a few bells.
When I first came to Japan 30 years ago, people asked me so many times where I was from that it got a little irritating. I started responding, "I'm an earthling", which got a chuckle.
I agree that it's hard for people not to define who you are simply based on where your passport was issued. Like others here who have left comments, I've lived in a variety of places for many years and have adapted to and adopted many cultures.
Sticking with "earthling" for the time being. :-)
Thanks for reading, Louise, and I'm glad it rang a bell or two. It's a double edged question, and I think what's important is the intent with which it's asked. Cannot help but wonder how one says 'earthling' in Japanese. ;-)
Chikyuu (earth) jin (person, pronounced “jean”) = chiKYUUjin (earthling) 🙃
Nice! ❤️
Thank you Monica! This is great! Had me experiencing lots of different emotions as I made my way through the piece. 100% an education to me, on one level... and 100% familiar from my experience with Juliet, my wife, who has a spinal cord injury and paralysis from her waist down. She was hit by a drinker driver and today, uses a wheelchair to get around. People nearly always ask her, 'What happened to you then?' Again, trying to immediately and narrowly reduce her to her injury. She is not her disability. That's just something [major] which happened in her life, her past, which today she may wish to keep very private. When we're together, we reasonably often get asked, 'Well... how do you... you know? You know... do it?' 'Do what?' I reply, with full knowledge of what they're asking! Thx Monica! Looking forward to following you now here
Thanks so much for sharing your own experience, Glenn. I see how the two topics are related. People look for shortcuts in understanding us, they look for one strand to hold on to and pretend they got it. They understood who we are. And many times, if you look or sound different (immigrant) or if your body moves differently than theirs (physical disability), that's the first strand they grab onto. Of course it's disturbing, but I think it's about the intention with which the question is being asked.
This reminds me of the word to objectify. To objectify someone is to reduce them to a 2D version of themselves, an object, to reduce them to one trait, so you can encompass with your mind *who* they are.
By the way, I perceived a lot of love for your wife from your message. 🩷
What a great comment and reply Monica! You're super articulate, and wise... and yes, Juliet and I are more in love today than ever. And after all this time! Lucky!
😊😊 thank you!
Omg can we be friends please? Here, in official interviews (work/bank) they can't ask directly where you're from, so people opt for a sensible "where is the accent from?" . I personally like to ask people I meet "Where do you feel at home?" or "What's your cultural background" which doesn't mean much, but it's surely less objectifying and allows for some much needed narrative.
Haha yes, we can be friends! :)
In certain situations (i.e.: not at the bank), I like to answer: "I'm from many places" and see the reaction on people's faces. It also works as a conversation starter. I love your questions too.
I just pictured you instantly turning into some mythical creature, surrounded by mist and darkness, possibly a cauldron is involved. "I am from many places, I am the oyster, and the pearl. I am here to pose you this riddle..."
I really enjoyed reading this. I like your I-am-from-many-places approach. That is usually the approach I have been taking, especially since even as a child I lived in two countries and three US states. However, a guy was recently unhappy with that response: he said something along the lines of, "Ok, I get it! You don't want to tell me where you're from." I wanted to tell him where I'm from, but I was trying to do it in a way that didn't take a memoir of a response...I guess we can't always win! Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Some people - usually the ones who haven't experienced this phenomenon - don't understand it and take it personally. What can you do. It's more enriching to try to describe a bit your path rather than stick to the clichés, right?